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* _The curtain rises [1]
* SCENE 1: A sleazy irc channel. A few net-whores are hanging around waiting for blow-job-ees. Honky tonk music can be heard by those with .wav decoders. [2]
<JazzLover> *snap* *snap* ....Kewl sounds, man.... heheh [3]
<NetwhoreA> Want a girlfriend, honey? [4]
<JazzLover> I'd rather have ops, man.... *snap* *snap*..... [5]
<NetwhoreB> Aw, leave him alone. Let's go back to #bdsm [6]
* Signoff: NetwhoreB (line [7])
* Signoff: NetwhoreA (...and that's line [8] and you can stick it up your ass, sweetheart)
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* _Exit Jazzlover, chuckling to himself [9]
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* Blanche (user@host) has joined channel #desire [10]
<Blanche> Peeuuww!! What a place!!! How unlike that beautiful channel #BelleReve I used to be chanop on... [11]
<Blanche> Unfortunately, we lost #BelleReve... the deop/kick/ban wars lasted for months... [12]
* Eunice throws jambalaya left-overs down from the wrought-iron balcony
above, narrowly missing Blanche [13]
<Blanche> The long parade of ircop /KILL notices... Such a shame, such a shame... So I've come over here to get ops from my sister Stella... [14]
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* _Enter Stella [15]
<Stella> Blanche!!!!!!!! Baby, you made it!!!!!!! [16]
<Blanche> Stella!!!! Stella-for-star!!!! [17]
*** Mode change +o Blanche on channel #Desire by Stella
<Stella> Here, have a whisky too.... er.... I didn't mean the whole fuckin' bottle, sister! [18]
<Blanche> Oh don't mind me. So what's the setup here? [19]
<Stella> Well my old man Stanley is a bit of a redneck. Actually he's a total slob. Fortunately he's often away in channels like #bowling and #drinking. Oops, here he comes... [20]
* Blanche goes to the bathroom (NOT FOR THE LAST TIME) [21]
* _Enter Stanley in torn T-shirt and filthy Levis [22]
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<Stella> Hi, baby.. my sweet sister Blanche has joined the channel -- but she's /AWAY just now. You've got to be nice to her. [23]
<Stanley> Sweet, huh??? Hope she unnerstands the Napoleonic code we got in dis here chan [24]
* Blanche returns, adjusting her gossamer gown [25]
* Stanley farts [26]
<Blanche> Mr. Kowalski, I presume? [27]
<Stanley> Right. Y'all better behave yourself aroun' here. I heared some stuff about you from acquain'ces who read alt.irc [28]
<Blanche> I'm sure I don't know what you mean by that. Besides, nothing on
alt.irc is true -- I thought everybody knew that! [29]
* SCENE 2: The poker game. Blanche is /AWAY (In the bathroom again) [30]
<Steve> Five-card stud. One-eyed jacks wild. [31]
<Stanley> So tell me again, how did Blanche lose ops on #BelleReve? [32]
<Stella> I think I'm going to have a baby [33]
<Eunice> Shit! I smell burning... I musta left the chicken gumbo on the stove upstairs... [34]
<Pablo> I was quite a stud in my day, too.. <sigh> [35]
<Mitch> If that lady doesn't get out of the goddam bathroom in 30 seconds I'm going to piss all over this chan [36]
<Stanley> Oh yeah? When??? [37]
<Stella> Who drank all the scotch (as if I didn't know) [38]
* Blanche comes in, adjusting her miniskirt [39]
<Mitch> About time. Nice ass, btw [40]
<Blanche> Don't get any ideas, Buster <hic!> [41]
<Stella> ALL RIGHT THAT'S IT!!! I'VE HAD IT!!!!! THIS IS JUST LIKE AN IRC CONVERSATION -- NOBODY'S MAKING ANY SENSE!!!! EVERYBODY OUT!!!!!!!!!!! [42]
*** Mode change -o Blanche on channel #Desire by Stella
*** Mode change -o Stanley on channel #Desire by Stella
*** Mode change -o Eunice on channel #Desire by Stella
*** Mode change -o Steve on channel #Desire by Stella
*** Mode change -o Mitch on channel #Desire by Stella
*** Mode change -o Pablo on channel #Desire by Stella
* Stella flounces out [43]
<Stanley> Holy shit!!! A mass de-op!!!! Come back here RIGHT NOW or the whole chan will be de-opped... <Stanley> Stella! <Stanley> : <Stanley> STELLA!!!!!!!!!!! <Stanley> : <Stanley> SSSS TTTT EEEE LLLL AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! <Stanley> : <Stanley> SSSSSSSS TTTTTTTTTT EEEEEEEEE LL LL AA !^! <Stanley> SS TT EE LL LL AA AA ! <Stanley> SSSSSSSS TT EEEEE LL LL AAAAAAAA | <Stanley> SS TT EE LL LL AA AA | <Stanley> SSSSSSSS TT EEEEEEEEE LLLLLLLL LLLLLLLL AA AA o <Stanley> : <Stanley> SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT <Stanley> SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT <Stanley> SSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS TTTTT <Stanley> : <Stanley> EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEE LLLLL <Stanley> EEEEE LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL <Stanley> EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL <Stanley> EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL <Stanley> : <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAA <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAAAA <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAAAAAAA <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAA AAAAA <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAA AAAAA <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAA AAAAA <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAA AAAAA <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAA AAAAA <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAA AAAAA <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAA AAAAA <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAA AAAAA <Stanley> LLLLL AAAAA AAAAA <Stanley> LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL AAAAA AAAAA <Stanley> LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL AAAAA AAAAA <Stanley> LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL AAAAA AAAAA <Stanley> [44]<Stella> (Returning): Shut the FUCK up, Stanley. [45]
* SCENE 3: The following day. Nothing happens in this scene because Blanche is in the bathroom the entire time. Audio effects are available. [47]
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_The bathroom gurgles and sweats.... [48]
* SCENE 4: Later that day. [49]
<Kid> KNOCK KNOCK! [50]
<Blanche> Come in, Honey [51]
<Kid> Er..... I'm collecting for my school fund. Spare a buck? [52]
<Blanche> I have something far more precious to offer.... [53]
* Blanche throws open her robe [54]
<Kid> Christ, lady -- you gotta problem [55]
* _Exit kid, retching [56]
* SCENE 5: The date with Mitch [57]
<Blanche> ....mean-spirited, boorish, filthy-minded, uncouth,...erm...erm..
[58]
* Blanche is lost for words [59]
<Mitch> I don't think you should talk about my mother like that, Blanche
[60]
<Blanche> I don't think we should be talking about your *mother* at all,
Mitch. We're supposed to be on a date! Oh my!! It's so HOT!!! Why don't you
take off your jacket? [61]
<Mitch> Well, er.... I'm embarrassed by the fact that I sweat a lot, you see. [62]
<Blanche> Hmmm... Do you speak french? [63]
<Mitch> Moi? Well, er... [64]
<Blanche> Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir??? [65]
<Mitch> Maybe you need to /JOIN #francais [66]
<Blanche> Never mind.... <sigh> Goodnight. [67]
* SCENE 6: Blanche's birthday party [68]
<Stanley> If that woman doesn't come out of the bathroom in 20 seconds, I'm going to shit in the birthday cake, I swear. [69]
<Stella> Hush, Stanley. Blanche, we're waiting!! [70]
* Stanley is flossing his teeth with the string of a tampon [71]
* Stella groans [72]
* _Enter Blanche nonchalantly [73]
<Blanche> My, it's so HOT!!! [74]
<Stanley> Here's yr birthday prezzie: a ticket outta here [75]
<Stella> I'm going to have a baby. brb [76]
* _Exit Stella [77]
* Stanley and Blanche look at each other with hostility. [78]
* Sweat trickles between Blanche's breasts... [79]
* _The ceiling fan turns erratically... [80]
* Mosquitos buzz desultorily... [81]
* Honky tonk music can still be heard by those with .wav decoders [82]
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* Other ppl in #Desire suddenly wrinkle their noses as a fetid, animal smell pervades the channel. [83]
* Something is obviously about to occur.... [84]
* Blanche 's hostilty melts in the heat from the bayou [85]
* Stanley slowly rises, wiping cake crumbs roughly from his lips... [86]
* Blanche & Stanley suddenly net-sex each others brains out. Nobody is
surprised by this... Actually nobody even notices. It's that kind of sleazy channel, #Desire.... [87]
* _The music swells to cover their disgusting *Uuuuhhhhhh!!!! Do me!!!!*** noises [88]
* SCENE 7: Halloween [89]
* Blanche is in the bathroom. At this point, it would be more surprising if she was NOT in the bathroom. [90]
<Steve> Your ten and up ten [91]
<Stanley> Your ten and up twenty [92]
<Mexican> Flores para los muertos... [93]
* _Enter the nut-house Doctor, all in white [94]
<Stella> Blanche, honey!! Your gentleman caller's here!!! [95]
* Blanche emerges from the bathroom. She is immaculately dressed but for one small detail: she forgot to put a dress on [96]
<Blanche> That's not my gentleman caller!! [97]
<Doctor> We're going to lead you to a nice, peaceful irc channel where you can have ops all you want <EVIL GRIN> [98]
<Blanche> Well, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.... [99]
* _Exit Blanche in a strait jacket [100]
<Mexican> Flores para los muertos [101]
<Stanley> Shut the fuck up. [102]
* Stanley resumes cleaning out his navel with a wet diaper [103]
* _The audience grosses out as the curtain slowly falls. [104]
/s creds
***<< THE END >>***
***<<< THE HAMNET PLAYERS >>>***
Artistic Director.........."El_Ingles".....sirrah@cg57.esnet.com
Cyberturge................."minou".........xkek73a@prodigy.com
Manager, Systems & Bots...."Stimpy"........andy@costain.demon.co.uk
Stage Manager.............."^_^"...........mshaya@pluto.mscc.huji.ac.il
ASM........................"jayj"..........jkr9455@silver.sdsmt.edu
Usher/Audio................"tsam"..........mstsam@pluto.mscc.huji.ac.il
Box office manager..................<hehe don't we wish>